Ask Gynomite

June 12, 2008 at 10:09 am (ask gynomite, Uncategorized) (, , , , )

So I’m in a bit of a dilemma.  I’ve been dating this guy for about a year, and we are very happy overall.  We moved in together a few months ago, and that’s going well too.  The problem is that my guy just got a job opportunity in a city about 200 miles away.  I’m torn because I don’t know if I’m should move with him, try the long distance thing, or break things off.  I love him and I don’t want to break up, but I consider myself a feminist and would feel like a lame girlfriend following him to a different city.  He wants me to go with him.  I have to decide soon!

This is a bit of a dilemma yes, and there are about a million things you have to consider in making the decision.  The two main categories to consider are the logistics of a big move and the emotions behind a big move. I’ll get more specific:

· How entrenched are you in the city you live in?  Have you lived there your whole life?

· Do you have a support system of your own where you live now?  Do you have family in the area?

· Do you have the kind of career that can handle moving to a new city with some ease? Are there jobs available for you in your field?

· Would you be able to do what you enjoy and are passionate about, be that your work, yoga class, karaoke, karate, etc, in the new city?

· Do you like the city that you would be moving to? What do you know about it?

· How is your relationship? Are you treading water there, or are the two of you partners in this crazy world? Are you happy with each other?

· Are you prepared for it to be just the two of you in a new city, with little to no support system for a while?

· Are you financially stable enough to make a big move?

What it takes is an acknowledgment on both parts that you would be making a sacrifice for him, and for your relationship, and that you are willing to do so because the relationship is worth it. He must be willing to appreciate that this is a big deal thing you are doing for him, and can’t just brush it off by saying that he’s going and you can go “if you want to”, or that it’ll be good for both of you, or whatever else men say when they’re trying to avoid tough things. He must understand the depth of this decision, and without that, you may want to reconsider moving, because you may resent the decision, and him, later.

After that acknowledgment on both sides, and this is the tough part sometimes, you will have to let it go. You cannot bring up the fact that you moved for him during arguments, you cannot hold it over his head whenever you are unhappy in the new city. If you made the decision with rational presence of mind, then own the decision you made, and don’t push it off on him.

Yeah, I know, it may feel weird, in a [pick your feminist hero] kinda way, but feminism should never be the deciding factor in making life decisions. Deciding to do something based on whether or not it’s feminist is just as bad as deciding to do something because a man wants you to do it. Political ideologies are there to help us organize our thoughts and views, but as Betty Dodson says, personal choice always trumps political correctness. Always. So decide for yourself if this is a good move for you, and then be satisfied with your decision.

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