It is perfectly okay if you don’t know who Aubrey O’Day is. I feel like she’s the kind of name you only know if you read websites devoted to making fun of the most pitiful celebrities. To give you some perspective, she’s so weirdly off-putting that I thought she was a British “glamour model”. Those girls are always hot messes. She looks like a average looking, not so bright girl that they tried to make edgy and sexy, but she just keeps messing it up by wiping off her dark smoldering eye makeup and trying to eat Cheetos. But I digress.
Aubrey O’Day is a member of the Puff Daddy-crafted group Danity Kane, which was crafted on Making the Band 3. Apparently, when Aubrey was six, she was at a performance of The Nutcracker and started to cry. Her mom asked her during intermission what was wrong. O’Day believes that is when she “officially realized she loved entertainment.”
So, yeah. That epiphany happened.
She has generally used her success to show the world her dead eyes and her side boobs. I hope mom is proud. Now she has made a clothing line, which is deliciously bad on a few levels. Let’s take a look:
The shirts rang from bland:
To weirdly quoting Portishead lyrics:
By the way, your eyes are not deceiving you. The models are, in fact, Jaslene and Caridee, winners of cycle 8 and cycle 7 of America’s Next Top Model, respectively. Jesus, do you think that their dreams of high-fashion involved wearing cheap shirts that whores turn their noses up at?
But she doesn’t stop at t-shirts. To ensure that she is not at all grasping adult sexuality, she also designs panties!
For sad sad girls and for gay boys!!
And just when you thought it couldn’t get any less subtle or more slimy feeling, let’s check out the accessories!
Caridee can’t even make eye contact, this thing is so hideous. And there’s so much of it!!!
Jaslene’s neck looks like it’s going to snap off from the sheer weight of that thing.
And the open-mouthed princess herself, Aubrey, models this thing, which I think I bought at a fair in 1987. It was made of paper and I sat it on top of my dresser, wondering how to display such a thing, until I realized how horrid it was and burned it.
I actually smell cheap cotton-candy scented perfume mixed with cigarettes and desperation when I look at these. Go to Heart on My Sleeve if you want to buy them. And then take a shower.