At 3am the other night, we noticed that there was a Crow movie on the SciFi network that was filmed in 2005. Just three years ago! Apparently they just keep making them unchecked, away from prying eyes. The last one I heard about was the one that Courtney Love did the soundtrack for, and I think that was the fifth one. Horrifying. So we decided to tune in.
Dear god, where to begin with this one? I don’t know whose idea it was to put these three very random people in a movie together, but I get the impression that the movie was planned out sometime in the mid to late 90s, when the futures of Ms. Reid and Mr. Furlong were not quite as dim and weirdly misshapen as they seem to be now. David Boreanaz plays one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse (he is credited as “Luc Crash/Death/Satan”); Tara Reid plays Lola Byrne, a wicked sharpshooter in league with Satan; and Edward Furlong plays a guy named Jimmy Cuervo who falls in love with a Latina mamacita and then is murdered. Then he finds a bunch of shitty makeup and black clothes and starts thinking he’s Brandon Lee.
I don’t have any special love for the Crow films at all, despite my goth teenagehood. I mean, the soundtrack for the first one was pretty awesome, but the movie ALWAYS bored the hell out of me. I think I’m more upset that someone would reward Edward Furlong’s drugged out used up bloated appearance by giving him a role in a movie.
I will say that it seems like goth stuff, in some ways, is like bridal stuff, overpriced and rarely relevant. All they have to do is say that a movie or book has a “goth” edge (ahhhem Twilight) and suddenly, kids in black, despite scoffing it the entire way, will desperately run and eat it up. Because they’re hungry. Not for blood, but for entertainment. So they still run out to see the same tired goth/industrial bands perform every five years when they come through, and they watch movies like this, and they wait.