Ask Gynomite!
My boyfriend and I haven’t been dating long, but he’s a good guy and I really really like him. However, something happened yesterday that I think may be a problem. I was having a really really bad day at work, so I called him and left him a message about how bad it was and about how miserable I was. I was expecting a phone call, but got nothing but a text message with a frowny face and “I’ll make it better tonight”. Then, when I did see him that night, he didn’t even ask about it at all. We just hung out, and after two hours of just making small talk and eating dinner, I was so upset that I told him I didn’t feel well and went home even more miserable. I didn’t expect him to have a bubble bath and massage for me, but I expected him to ask me about it and show some concern. How bad of a sign is something like this?
Oh my. I gotta say, it’s not a great sign.
In yourself.
One of the biggest ways we shoot ourselves in the foot in relationships is by creating expectations of what they should be like in our heads, and then being upset when those expectations are not met.
It’s a trap. It’s a shitty trap to fall into, and it’s not fair to the other person. Maybe your boyfriend wanted to be respectful of you and wait for you to bring it up. Maybe he thought just forgetting about your day and hanging out was what you wanted. Maybe he doesn’t actualy give a shit about your bad day. The point is, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT HE’S THINKING AND HE DOESN’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING.
So while you’re sitting there, fuming, watching the minutes tick by with still no mention of your bad day, he is sitting there, totally oblivious. Doesn’t that sound like a recipe for a bad date? And you may want him to know you well enough to know your moods and know that you want Y when X occurs, but people have to learn things like that about each other. They don’t automatically know it.
Let me say that again: people have to learn things about each other.
My advice to you is that the next time you are expecting something specific from your guy in a situation, make it into a cute thing, and tell him. “Hey Johnny, yeah, I’ve had a really shitty day, and just so you know, on really shitty days I require ice cream, some cuddling, and maybe being told that I’m beautiful. Juuuuust to let you know.”
That way you both set up that you do want something when you’ve had a bad day, what that something is, and you make it sound adorable. The reason people don’t do this more often is that they a) feel like they sound needy, and b) think it’s less romantic to have to tell someone what they want.
Well, a) you are needy, everyone is, it’s high time we start admitting it so we can get those needs met, and b) when are we going to stop this ridiculous notion that being in love makes you a mind reader?
So take a chance, Ms. Thang. You don’t have anything to worry about with this guy, this is not a red flag, this is just an opportunity for you to show some vulnerability so that you actually get what you want.
One caveat, you should never have to tell someone you’re dating not to cheat, to spend time with you, or to not be cruel to you. There are a few things that are givens.
