Ask Gynomite!

July 26, 2009 at 4:40 pm (ask gynomite, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

This may seem like a stupid problem to have, but I started dating this guy about a sex weeks ago and he hasn’t changed his Facebook status to “in a relationship”.  He doesn’t even have to say that he’s dating me, but we’re sleeping together and we’re not dating anyone else and I don’t see what the big deal is.  I haven’t changed my status yet but am tempted to do it to see what he’ll do.  I’ve mentioned it once and he just kinda laughed about it and changed the subject.  I feel embarrassed about bringing it up again. UGGGGGGGGGH

Ohhh princess, I feel your pain.  I do.  But before anything else, let me please plead with you- do not change your relationship status before discussing it with the man you’re dating. That’s some old school 50s “the lady is with me” bullshit, and men hate it just as much as women.

Ok, to continue….what I hate the most about social networking sites is all the new fun “discussions” that they create for burgeoning couples.  It used to be a slow gradual process of people seeing you with the same person over and over and someone asking “hey, is that your boyfriend?” and you casually saying yes, so that over time everyone just kinda figures it out.  Now, couples have to synchronize their feelings for each other, debut their couplehood, and submit themselves to awkward wall posts.

However, one thing I like about Facebook is that it can be the catalyst for a conversation that could give you a real sense of how things are actually going in your relationship.

So first, let’s check and see if you’re dating.  If you haven’t yet had the “are we boyfriend and girlfriend?” conversation, here are some signs that usually indicate you’re in some sort of a relationship.  Have you:

  1. slept together more than twice?
  2. hung out with each other’s friends?
  3. gone out during the day together?
  4. been affectionate to each other in public?
  5. thought about dating other people and realized you didn’t want to do it?

If these five things are being met, congratulations, you’re dating, so let’s go ahead and dive into the fun, slightly awkward conversation you’re getting ready to have.  Please do not try to have this conversation with someone you are not dating.  I don’t want you to get hurt unnecessarily.

As always, Gynomite recommends going in playfully and honestly.  You can admit that the whole process is dumb, but don’t downplay its importance to you.   “Ha ha, you know, it’s a really dumb thing, but I think it would be kinda sweet and awesome if we acknowledged this little affair on Facebook.  What do you think?”

I just cringed typing that.

Because what you’re really doing is having the “are we dating?” conversation, combined with the “can we tell everyone we know collectively that we’re dating?” conversation.  I’m not super surprised that he hasn’t changed his status yet or brought it up, because men don’t really pay that much attention to things like that.   So don’t judge him for not changing it, but get ready to judge him for his reaction to this conversation.

If you get a “yeah, let’s do it, sure!” reaction, awesome.

If you get a “wow, this is kind of a step… (pause pause pause)…if you want to, we can do that” reaction, awesome.  It’s natural for people to react a little the moment they realize a relationship is moving to a different level.  It doesn’t mean anything about how he feels about you or your relationship.  It just means he’s honest.

If you get a “ummmm, I don’t know if we should, _________________” reaction, sailor take warning.  Because whatever reason he gives you is probably going to sound like bullshit to you, and it probably will be bullshit.  If a man has trouble comitting at this level, do you really want to keep fighting with him to commit as your feelings for him grow stronger?

Bottom line is, make sure that you are initiating this conversation appropriately with someone that you are actually dating and not just having casual hookups with (and deluding yourself otherwise), go into the conversation with adorable vulnerability, and be ready for the answer you get.

Good luck to you and your status!

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