Gynomite!

Ask Gynomite!

July 31, 2009 at 5:34 am (ask gynomite) (ask gynomite, counseling, dating, friends with an ex, men, relationships, therapy, women)

I had a question that I have been thinking about a lot lately and probably a lot of other people have had the same question too.  Is there any good way to make a smooth transition to being friends with an ex? AND how do you handle a situation in which you have become good friends with your ex’s friends?

Well, there are ways to make this transition, but none of them are super smooth.  But that doesn’t mean it can’t happen.  It’s all about the passage of time tempered by the intensity of the relationship/breakup.

Are you sure you want this?

My first challenge to you would be to really stop and think about whether you want to be friends with your ex.  I’m sure he’s a great guy, but often we get so tangled up in thinking that we should keep a comfortable person around that we don’t reevaluate whether or not we actually want them around.  Did you guys have fun times just hanging out?  Can you see yourself being friends with him?

Now let’s move on to the stickier part underneath… whether or not there are any underlying motives for you wanting to remain in contact with this guy.  So here are some questions to help you suss that out:

• how would you feel, honestly, if he showed up at a party with another girl?
• how would he feel if you showed up with another guy, and if it bothered him, how would you feel?
• how would you expect him to treat you if you had an especially bad day?

Staying friends with an ex because you want them back/want to make them hurt a little bit isn’t the worst thing on earth, but it’s a good thing to admit to yourself early on, because then you won’t be surprised when the friendship isn’t doing so hot. If the relationship overall was an intense, passionate thing, it may be harder to salvage a friendship than in a relationship where you were basically already friends who just made out on occasion.

Make your intentions known, and then skidaddle

If you’ve thought through all of this and decided that yes, you actually just do miss this guy’s companionship, you have two things you need to do:

1. You need to tell him, honestly, that you would like to be friends at some point*
2. You need to back away for about two weeks (given a relationship of a few months, longer if the relationship was longer)

Because what you can’t do is immediately go from dating to hanging out.  That crashes and burns every single time.  Both of you need time to reset yourselves and realize that your relationship will be different and not as intimate and that’s going to have to be ok.

*If you tell him that you want to be actual friends and he hems and haws and says anything along the lines of “I don’t know if I could handle that”, please don’t be hurt, but realize that he doesn’t want to be friends, and that it probably has nothing to do with you.  Some guys can’t see girls in more than one way, and that probably had something to do with why you broke up, really.

Come back cautiously

After a few weeks have gone by with no contact, don’t just show up at a place you know he’ll be.  Guys get weird about stuff like that.  If there’s a party coming up that you both would normally attend, text him and let him know you’ll be there.  Keep the text light and playful, and don’t ask, inform.  Then go to the party with a friend and make some small talk with your ex.

One on one hangouts should probably wait a bit because they’re too datey, but encourage group events where the two of you are able to test out each others’ company in a lower stakes environment.  Keep evaluating yourself and the motives behind your actions, and after a while, it will feel natural again.

The dividing of the friends

Now this question is a toughy, and here are my general rules about friends of your ex:  as much as you may have gotten friendly with them over the course of the relationship, if they were his friends first, it is absolutely their call as to whether or not they want to be friends with you.  You cannot push the situation at all, because it puts them in a very awkward place.  If they were friends you made together, do not ask them to choose between you two.  It will be very clear very quickly if the collaborative friends would like to be friends with both of you or either of you, and again, this is something you cannot really force.

Gynomite has a few exes, and though she’s cordial with all of them, she’s only really friends with one of them.  I wish you luck on navigating these murky waters and staying aware of what you actually want at all times.