Ask Gynomite!

September 3, 2009 at 11:55 am (ask gynomite, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , )

Gynomite is a licensed therapist in 2 1/2 states and would love to take a crack at your emotional dilemmas.  Write her at all emails stay confidential.  Today, Gynomite takes on cyberstalking.

About three months ago I broke up with the guy I’d been dating for just under a year.  Things are fine now, we’re cordial with each other, and we’ve both dated other people since then.  Last week I went to his Facebook profile once and since then, I’m hooked.  I check it and refresh it constantly, and there’s lots of stuff to obsess over on it.  I thought I was over him, but I cannot stop checking his profile.  Does this mean I’m not over him?

Ahh, the wonders of self-awareness, or a lack thereof.  It’s interesting that we’re in an age where a girl will write to a stranger to ask about how she feels about an ex.  And I’m not teasing you at all- sometimes we need a check in with someone uninvolved… but I am asking you to trust yourself a bit more.  Because I feel like I can tell you with complete authority that you are over him.

But first thing’s first, STEP AWAY FROM THE PROFILE.  Find some time and a quiet space to sit and think about your time spent with this guy, to figure out your feelings about him regardless of your cyberstalking.  Do you miss him?  The way he smells, the way he responds to questions, the way he jokes around?  Or is it perhaps that you miss being in a committed relationship, how settled and easy everything seemed?  That distinction is important, it’s the difference between wanting him and wanting a warm body to cuddle with.  But I don’t think it’s either.

Facebook profiles are damn fascinating snapshots of people’s lives, titillating both in what they reveal and what they only hint at, so my guess is that you’re more caught up in the drama of watching someone else’s life unfold.  I got really into the profile of a girl I kinda knew in middle school, and refreshed like crazy as she finally started dating a guy, only to have him break her heart a few days later.   I checked her profile before checking the news.  Now, would I ever be concerned that I wasn’t over poor Angie from my middle school?  Of course not.  But was I just as obsessed with her profile as you are with your ex’s profile?  Probably.   So my advice is to absolutely quit cold turkey, starting right now, and find someone else’s profile to stalk.  Or perhaps a nice juicy blog.  Just take your ex out of the equation entirely so that you don’t have to question your own motives.

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