Come for the romance, stay for the vampire snorkling

November 28, 2009 at 2:18 pm (movies, pop culture) (, , , )

So Kumail and I have both been on a Twilight-revulsion tear lately, and it is oh so rewarding.  Today Kumail found this article at that recaps the plot of the final Twilight book, Breaking Dawn, and holy shit, it makes that movie Antichrist look like Marley & Me.  I kinda gained a little bit of respect for Stephanie Meyer, who clearly wasn’t thinking of whether or not this book could be made into a movie when she wrote it.  In fact, the actors only signed on to make the first three of the four books into movies, although studio execs insist:

“The fans should rest assured the we’re working with Stephenie Meyer to bring Breaking Dawn to the big screen,” the rep said. “As in all creative processes, things take time. We want to make sure we get it right.”

So I am now joining the fight to keep Twilight popular because this movie HAS to be made.  It would be the biggest most beautiful trainwreck you’ve ever seen.

Click for spoilers galore that will spoil your dinner, and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

In Breaking Dawn,

  • Bella and Edward get married, and he fucks her so hard that he beats her up and leaves her unconscious
  • vampires go snorkling
  • Bella gets vampire-pregnant, and the fetus vampire-kicks Bella so hard it severs her spine
  • Edward gives Bella a C-section with his teeth
  • the baby has telepathy as well as an adult’s mind
  • Jacob, the werewolf Native American with too-white teeth, sees the baby and instantly falls in love with it, since he never really got over Bella.  He doesn’t want to fuck it immediately, but he is in romantic love.  With a baby.
Go to Chud to read even more hilarious details, and come on, let’s all join together and DEMAND that this movie be made!!
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1 Comment

  1. Nora Rocket said,

    Oh. Mah. Gah. And I thought the *first* book had echos of “The Story of O.”

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