Seriously, I don’t know what to say about this.
A friend clued me in to The International Jurassic Park Erotic Fan-Fiction Writer’s Association this morning. It is exactly what it sounds, a gathering place for people who enjoy dinosaur porn and people who enjoy the movie Jurassic Park… equally.
The site is straight up from 1994 and plays Muzak versions of all the Jurassic Park songs on top of having moving graphics of T-Rexes choking the background. But the real magic is when you click on the Archive link and try and read some of the erotic fan fiction collected there.
I’ve decided to save you the trouble and, after the jump, repost my favorite passage. It is very NSFW, and if you’re my mom, I implore you not to jump. I didn’t write this stuff, but I do feel obligated to bring it to you.
Still trembling, Ellie stumbled to her feet to see the T –Rex scowling back at her. It had a huge dong, standing fully to attention. That useless white bearded fool Hammond had lied, they certainly weren’t all female! Behind her, one raptor darted away back into the jungle, whilst the other locked eyes with the larger beast. They shared a moment of burning passion, and Ellie felt it. Out of the corner of her eye, Ellie saw the raptor turn around and kneel on its hind legs, with it’s veloci-minge exposed. Then the T-Rex charged forward, and with Ellie being still for some time, its vision based on movement, it didn’t know she was there.
The following happened in the space of three seconds: The T-Rex roared in pure sexual lust as it moved, it’s massive dong hitting Ellie in the chest and lifting her in a pole vault style, straight into the waiting raptor’s love hole. Ellie again attempted to scream, but her head was now completely inside the beast, and her lower half was quickly turned to a bloody pulp at the hands of the tyrannosaur’s frantic thrusting. The raptor receiver groaned in a mixture of pain and beastly approval of this three way.
As Ellie was discovering the true horror of being the condom in Tyrannosaurs/Velociraptor sex game, Grant emerged from the broken fossil remnants and preceded to teabag the dead raptor next to him.