Ask Gynomite!

February 16, 2010 at 6:56 pm (ask gynomite, Uncategorized) (, , , )

In her former life, Emily “Gynomite” Gordon was a couples and family therapist licensed in 2 1/2 states.  In this life, she is a blogger that would love to take a crack at your emotional dilemmas.  Write her at all emails stay confidential.  You can also check her out on her weekly column over at Lemondrop.  Today, Gynomite takes on the disappearing date.

I am not the biggest fan of long distance relationship but I came across this charming lady and we have been talking to each other since october. We would exchange occasional text messages and speak for hours on the phone at least once a week.
Then last week I made a hike to her town to catch up with her over lunch and we had a great time. I haven’t heard back from her since. I sent her a text while on a work trip in TX a couple days back but still no response.
And now I am facing the dilemma of trying to figure out what’s the story. I wouldn’t mind hearing an expression of disinterest, I can take a no, but how do I get any response from her?
Thoughts, suggestions, ideas?

Ugh, this is always a lame situation, and I’m sorry that you’re having to become a low level psychic.  Let’s discuss.

The one thing I’m curious about, and I think would clarify things, is whether or not you’ve ever met before.  It sounds like perhaps you’ve had some IRL (in real life) contact before.  If last week was the first meeting, my thoughts are that she just didn’t think you two had any chemistry in person, which is a bummer.  If you had already met, maybe during this lunch she realized that it was too difficult to carry on a long distance thing with someone she was so into.  Or maybe she found a local boyfriend.  Or maybe her cell phone broke.  My point is, what’s more of a bummer here is that you’re having to guess.

I would make one attempt to contact her to have “a conversation” about things.  One attempt only, and I would do it by phone.  Let her know (by voicemail or person to person) that you’re bummed you haven’t heard from her and you are assuming that things are done with the two of you, but if that’s not the case, for her to give you a call.  Open, honest, and ball is in her court.  Or, if you’re snarky, just say that you’re sorry, but you don’t think things are working out between the two of you.  That’ll confuse her a bit.  But you cannot contact her any more than once, lest you be considered creepy.

The real truth here is that most likely, you’ll ever find out what actually happened with her.  Even if you speak to her, you may not get a straight answer from her, because even though you say you can handle a no, she may not be able to handle giving a no, and that’s her problem.  The crappy thing about these situations is realizing that you don’t have the control, and if someone wants to take away their companionship, they totally can.   She just didn’t want to date you for whatever reason, so learn whatever lessons about yourself you can from that, and let that be your closure.

Good luck to you.

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