Ask Gynomite!
In her former life, Emily “Gynomite” Gordon was a couples and family therapist licensed in 2 1/2 states. In this life, she’s a freelance fighter of your emotional woes. Write her at askgynomite@gmail.com- all emails stay confidential. You can also check her out on her weekly advice column over at Lemondrop. Today, Gynomite takes on when the sex is good but everything else is bad.
I’ve been dating this guy for about 8 months, and honestly, it’s a pretty lame relationship. At first we got along totally great, but we quickly went from being flirty and having fun to either ignoring or snapping at each other. I have stuck around because I love him, and also because for the first time ever, I have a great sex life. Every time we fight we end up having sex, and it’s always passionate and mindblowing and amazing. That’s worth sticking around for, right?
Wow, good question. Here’s what I will say: while it’s tough to have a good relationship without a good sex life (thanks Mom!), it is totally possible to have a horrible relationship with a good sex life. And this is what you have. The question is, what does it mean?
Maybe movies, tv shows, or romance novels about vampires are to blame, but somewhere we picked up that certain characteristics in relationships carry more meaning, like a passionate sex life, or people trying to keep you apart, or going through a traumatic experience together. It might have worked for John McClane and Holly Gennero, but as a people, we have to stop defining our relationships by the dramatic things in them. My dear, you shouldn’t love this guy despite your everyday interactions, you should love him because of them.
In the movie Boomerang (yes, I’m quoting an Eddie Murphy movie), Halle Berry’s character is yelling at Eddie Murphy and she says “You know, I’m sick and tired of men using love as if it’s some disease you just catch.” Even as a young teenager watching that, it struck me as profound. Love isn’t something that happens against your will, and if you feel like it is, guess what- that’s not love. You say you love this guy, but how do you know? Because you’re annoyed by him? Because you snap at each other? Because he gives you orgasms? It’s ok to be with someone you’re not in love with, so please don’t try to convince yourself that you are.
It’s great that you have a good sex life for the first time ever. It’s amazing. It’s a good thing to learn about yourself, that you have the capacity to be satisfied sexually. Take that lesson. But just as you wouldn’t think that a man who is shitty in bed but treats you sweetly is that special, a man who is good in bed but treats you like shit ain’t that special either. Your connection with him, while electric I’m sure, doesn’t hint at a deeper bond with him that is worth holding onto. It’s just good sexual chemistry. Some people you’ll have good sexual chemistry with, some people you’ll have good professional chemistry with, some people will make you laugh for hours, and some people suck. Life is a smorgasbord.
Stop trying to convince yourself that good sex makes the other stuff tolerable. Break up now, and give him the option to either stick around as your very silent booty call, or cut him free entirely and keep searching for that guy who will treat both you and your vagina with equal respect.
Good luck!
