And now, a breakdown of Miley Cyrus’ newest music video.

October 12, 2010 at 10:52 am (music) (, )

Miley Cyrus just released a video for her song “Who Owns My Heart”.  This video is incredibly sexually aggressive, in that she is very aggressively trying to explain to us that she is, at 17, a very sexual being.  Message received, Hannah Montana.

I used to feel sorry for Miley and her misguided attempts to be a grownup, her equating looking trashy with something adult people do in their spare time.  With this video though, she is Hayden Panettierreing it up so hardcore that I crossed the line from pity to disdain.  Her sexuality, created and masterfully edited in this video, is a glossy thing that is an amalgamation of about 1500 soft core porn movies and Beyonce videos.  There’s nothing real about it, nothing other than good camera angles and posturing, and at 17, there shouldn’t be anything real about it.  It’ s ok for your face to have not caught up with your gorgeous gams yet, Miley.  It’s ok to be a kid.  You’re going to spend most of your life being a grownup, and you’ll miss the days that you didn’t have to paint on eyeliner with a trowel, but you painted it on anyway because you were in such a hurry to be taken seriously.

And as I said to Hayden two years ago,

I really hope that you don’t think that this is coming out of a place of jealousy somehow.  I appreciate beauty when I see it, and as a 29 year old woman, I now just feel weirdly maternal when I see barely legal girls trying too hard to be fuckable.  I just want to spit-clean their faces and get them in comfy pjs so we can paint our nails together.   Come on Hayden, I know you’ve got yoga pants somewhere!  I’ll even paint your nails first!

The offer stands for you too Miley.  But, here’s the thing: I’m still going to make fun of your video.  Hardcore.  Because you have made a hardcore grownup video.  Jump and let’s have a looksee.

She starts the video lying on a bed in lingerie with a blindfold on.  Her teeth, which have always been a bit oversized, appear to have been capped and replaced with Chiclets.  They are threatening to fall out of her head.

The too-big teeth might explain the duckface she makes a few times before launching into singing, complete with all the over enunciation mouth tricks and weird 90s R&B girl group hand gesturing that you could hope for.

:28 What in god’s name is that mesh hat thing on your head?  Are you in mourning? Do you have your hair in curlers?  Is this your gangsta look? EXPLAIN.

Over enunciating at :14, :19, :30, :46, :54, 1:22, 2:30….. getting tired….. 3:10, 3:23
Weird hand gestures at :18, :30, :50, :58, 1:00, 1:04, 1:07, 1:13, 1:18, 1:31, 1:36, 1:46, 2:03, 2:08, 2:15, 2:18, 2:30, 3:08, 3:10,  3:18, and 3:22

Miley, I know you’re trying to get away from your Southern country girl roots, but your voice won’t let you do that.  When you sing words like “HEAAAAAAAAART”, “like a tidal waaaaaaaaave”, “we’re like liiiiiiiiiiiivin arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrt”, and “are you feeeeeeelin meeeeeeee?”, we hear nothing but ridiculous child-twang.  Case in point, when you are singing about someone’s charms and describe them as “roping me like a rodeo”, no one is confusing you for Lady Gaga.

Other highlights include wearing a structured-shoulder jacket (2:05), a la Rihanna, vamping all over a limo on the way to a club, dancing with androgynous-looking men and woman, a la Gaga, and at 2:24, making out with a man who is much older and gayer than herself.

Miley, you’re not a grownup yet.  Whoever wrote this song for you should be partially ashamed, but whoever arranged your body parts into all these positions and made you wear that mesh hat should probably be arrested.  If not for child porn, at least for being hopelessly cheesy and dated.


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