I was lucky enough to get to see The Nutcracker Ballet in North Carolina every year since I was about 2 years old. My family is not crazy rich, but my parents put a high value on us going to culturey stuff, and by the time I was 16 I had the entire thing memorized. No matter how rebellious and ridiculous I looked as a teenager, I still tried to clean up for our annual trip to the ballet, and missing it is one of the things I hate most about living outside of NC now. The North Carolina School of the Arts’ version is just fantastic, and as time went on, our childlike wonder gave way to very grownup appreciation of dance, sprinkled with giggling at the male dancers’ packages and trying to pick out which ones were straight.
Big time digression. If you don’t know the story of The Nutcracker, here it is: a young girl named Clara gets a nutcracker doll from her weird uncle on Christmas Eve, and when she wakes up in the middle of the night to bring him to bed with her, she finds him embroiled in a battle with a bunch of rats. Clara throws her shoe to help the Nutcracker defeat the Rat King, and in gratitude, he changes into his human prince form and takes her to the Land of Sweets. There all the inhabitants of the Land of Sweets- chocolate, tea, marzipan, etc, do dances for her to celebrate how awesome she is. The end.
Doesn’t sound very cinematic? It’s not. It’s a ballet. But that didn’t stop some idiot from making a movie version of it, and holy shit is it bizarre looking.
Ok, here are my questions:
- Why does the Rat King take over Nazi-era Germany in the beginning?
- Since when do rats use creepy steampunk helicopters?
- Why does the Nutcracker Prince turn into some sort of Napoleon Pinnochio?
- Why is Nathan Lane playing Albert Einstein, and subquestion, why is Einstein in The Nutcracker?
- Why are there weird child WWII pilots in this movie?
- Did they borrow the fake backgrounds from Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow to make this?
- Why is this in 3D?
- WHEN ARE WE ALL GOING TO SEE THIS MONSTROSITY TOGETHER?
If you have a few spare minutes today, I highly suggest that you go to Rotten Tomatoes and read snippets of the reviews of this monstrosity. Here’s my favorite quote:
[It] has so many terrible ideas that the terrible execution is almost irrelevant: Even if the film were well done, it would still be a travesty.
Yowch. I’ll meet you at the theater?