Erotic Seinfeld- NSFW

June 13, 2012 at 8:27 am (my life)

I read this at the Competitive Erotic Fan Fiction show last night (an amazing show that I hope will become a monthly jam at NerdMelt), but lost to the far-superior Moshe Kasher story about Occupy Wall Street. Under the cut because it’s dirty as shit.

The stout man stormed into his best friend’s apartment, flush-cheeked and breathing hard. “Can you believe someone managed to take up three parking spaces out there? THREE? It’s not like it was a stretch limo! It was a Prius! That was a concerted effort to screw me over.” Fuming, he flopped down on the couch next to his best friend, who seemed unperturbed by the interruption.

“Oh calm down” he said absently, eating cereal.

“What is that, Kashi? That stuff is just granola with a hippie rebranding, and frankly, I’m surprised you fell for it.”

“You know, I’m sick and tired of you being so negative all the time! Can we not just enjoy each others’ company without you invoking some damned conspiracy?”

They both stand, furious. “Conspiracy?! Now who needs to calm down, I’m just making conversation about cereal! You really are a piece of work, you know that?”

By now, the two friends are screaming and gesticulating wildly in their pointless arguing, eyes wild, chests heaving, so it somehow felt natural for them to go from standing nose to nose to having the most intense, wet, hot kiss two men have ever shared. The live studio audience gasps with excitement.

George and Jerry have finally decided to surrender to their desires… not that there’s anything wrong with that.

For a moment there’s the sucking, panting, and sighing sounds that only electric kisses create. Jerry grabs George’s glasses and throws them to the floor, and George intwines his fingers in Jerry’s soft curls, pulling just enough to make Jerry want it more. Jerry sucks George’s tongue like a Jujy Fruit. The kiss is broken when George pushes Jerry down on the couch. Standing over him, George feels like daring architect Art Vandelay, and he can tell that Jerry sees him with new eyes too. Jerry pulls off his shirt as fast as he can and starts working on George’s belt buckle. He pulls out George’s cock and there’s no concern for shrinkage now- George’s cock is enormous. Jerry licks his lips, and then slowly, his hungry eyes on George’s, stuffs every bit of that cock into his hot mouth, relishing how George’s eyes roll back in his head. Jerry pulls out his own cock and starts stroking it.

Soon, George is straddling Jerry on the couch, fucking the shit out of his mouth, when the door bursts open and Kramer tumbles in, Kramer-style. “Hey yo……what?” George and Jerry are so caught up in what they’re doing that they don’t even notice, but the studio audience’s applause startles them, and George’s cock tumbles out of Jerry’s mouth, like an old man returning soup.

“I was just across the hall and wondered if you had any spaghetti….” he trails off, looking shocked, and perhaps a little disappointed… and aroused? “I always thought I’d be the one.” he mutters.

Jerry pushes George aside, stands up, wipes his mouth, and crosses the room to Kramer, who is still standing by the front door. He unbuttons Kramer’s ridiculous bowling shirt, licks and sucks on his collarbone, and gently pushes Kramer’s head down. Kramer drops to his hands and knees and takes Jerry’s stiff cock into his mouth eagerly.

“Are these pretzels making you thirsty?” Jerry said, wickedly, to raucous audience applause and laughter. Not to be left out, but feeling a bit left out, George walks over to the duo, drops to his knees behind Kramer, and starts licking his asshole like it was an ice cream cone. Kramer moans, and when Kramer is good and wet, George slides into him. George is balls deep in Kramer’s ass, and he can tell it’s Kramer’s first time by the weird yelping noises he makes, noises previously heard only when he answers a question, is surprised by something, or walks into a room. The sounds just turn George on more. Kramer’s asshole opens up like a jar of Ovaltine.

For a few minutes the three of them are just a mass of spit, sweat, and semen, until Jerry’s intercom squawks “It’s Elaine”. The three of them freeze and exchange glances, until Jerry moves his hand up to the buzzer to buzz Elaine in. When Elaine walks in, she is confronted with the hot wet stink of three men fucking the shit out of each other. George’s bald head glistens. Jerry’s grown out chest hair sparkles with come.

After taking it all in, Elaine shouts “This is why I can’t find a datable man in New York City!”  The men are terrified, and then excited as she takes her hair down from that weird top-of-the-head bun thing and removes her flower-print dress and saddle shoes on the spot.

“Jerry, go down on me, Kramer, you better put that cock in my ass right now, and George…. you can watch.

George feels slighted, but the other two are happy to oblige. They haven’t seen bossiness like this since the Soup Nazi. Jerry manages to put his cock in George’s ass while licking Elaine’s clitoris (it rhymes with Delores!), Elaine begrudgingly agrees to jerk off George, and Kramer has his sponge-worthy cock buried deep in Elaine’s snatch. At some point Kramer tries to nibble on Jerry’s pubic hair, which is a bit weird, but everyone figured Kramer would be the weird one, sexually, so it’s fine.

It went on like this for some time, until all four of them had fucked each other every way possible and were covered in each others sex juices, and they lay there, exhausted, masters of their own domains. Jerry leaves to buy robes and lotions, a new bedspread and new curtains, thick carpeting and weirdo lighting, because now he’s an orgy guy, while George, Kramer, and Elaine stay behind to fuck more. Yadda yadda yadda, we cut to a scene of Jerry onstage doing a bit about how funny orgasm faces look.

The bit kills.

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1 Comment

  1. Paco Reeves said,

    Now THAT…. is some funny shit!!!

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