Gynomite’s Emotional Assignment of the Day
I used to write a regular column here called “Gynomite’s Emotional Assignment of the Day”, which is a pretty self-explanatory title. I’m resurrecting it today to discuss communication, and what its intentions are.
Communication is supposed to convey information to another person, but it can also evoke emotions, mislead, keep emotional ties strong, etc and so on. It can do a million things- the problem is that people often have multiple intentions with their communications but, and here’s the kicker, insist that they don’t.
This is the problem I want to address. It’s not that it’s bad for your communication to be doing a few different jobs, it’s that we all need to be a bit more aware of it. The harm comes when we pretend that we’re being open and honest when we’re really expecting the other person to do the work of figuring out “what we mean”, or worse, when we’re hoping to inflict damage that we can later pretend was just a casual comment.
The goal, as ever, is clear, assertive communication.
A few examples.
In a conversation with a girl/boyfriend:
Him/Her: I might be gone for a bit but I’ll be home when I can.
You: It’s okay. I’m getting used to you not being around.
The goal of your communication there is not to convey information, but rather to convey hurt feelings and inspire the other person to feel bad for how they’re treating you.
Lunch with a friend:
Him/Her: I might get dessert! Do you want dessert?
You: Oh, I couldn’t. I’m so envious that you don’t care what you eat.
Obviously, you are mad that you can’t eat dessert and want to punish your pal for tempting you with it.
It’s passive aggressive, sure, but it’s also worse than that, because it comes with a level of deniability that makes the other person crazy. So the assignment for today works both ways-
Next time you’re in a conversation with someone that you have complicated feelings towards, be it a boss, your parents, a spouse, or a frenemy, stop yourself before speaking and ask yourself “what am I really wanting to get across?” Then ask yourself if it would be so terrible if you just said what you meant. If your goal is to hurt the other person, maybe it shouldn’t be said, but if your goal is to let the other person know that your feelings have been hurt, try being honest about it.
Next time you’re in a conversation with someone who is throwing a ton of shit at you but masking it as just conversation, call them on it. Just say “What did you intend with that last statement? What did you want me to feel as a result of that? Because what I feel is ______”
Hidden communications only work when they stay hidden- let’s all make an effort to not put up with them, and to not pull them on other people. It’s 2013, let’s act like it.
makeyourself101 said,
January 8, 2013 at 1:54 pm
Well-articulated and insightful article. I am slowly realizing this myself with one of my friends and when I slip up by not saying what I mean or something that would help rather than hurt I end up feeling guilty later. Good stuff!
Wabbm said,
January 8, 2013 at 9:43 pm
I was in a 4-year relationship during which almost nothing was said directly. The passive aggression and communicative assumptions were, to outsiders, like a foreign language. I feel like once your relationships are deeply entrenched in this pattern, it’s nearly impossible to climb back out into rational discussion. Needless to say, I learned my lesson – and thankfully, I’m in an incredibly open, honest, straight-forward, and happy relationship now. Huzzah! Great article, as always!!
Kobe Oh B said,
January 9, 2013 at 3:35 pm
a good reminder/advice
dougsan said,
January 10, 2013 at 2:41 am
Haha this is awesome. I recently resolved to do exactly what you suggest – being honest about what I want/feel/mean and asking and expecting that of others. Its sometimes hard to get people to be honest even with themselves about their subtext but I think it’s such a healthy way to interact.
For what it’s worth I think this ties with what you said on Erin mcgathy’s blog not too long ago – about the dangers of secretly foisting your expectations on others then resenting them when they unwittingly fail to make the grade. I used your advice to navigate a tricky family situation over Christmas and it really helped. Personally I think you’re a legend.