Celebrity Gossip Translator

January 25, 2013 at 10:10 am (Celebrity Gossip Translator)

Welcome back to another edition of Celebrity Gossip Translator, where I attempt to explain the top five most read stories on People.com, for those of you that lack the time to do the research on what’s really going on with the people we’ve decided are worthy of our attention.

This week is a weird one.

1. Nehemiah Griego, 15, Fatally Shoots Parents and Three Siblings: Cops

Here’s the thing about People.com- its readers are obsessed with death and death and Kardashians and death and dresses. No judgement, I’m not saying I’m above such interests, but sometimes there is something vaguely scummy about the rubberneck car crashness of it all. This is a very sad, terrible story about a 15 year old boy who shot his mother, texted a picture of his dead mother to his 12 year old girlfriend, then killed his three little siblings and father. He then went to church and told people his family had been killed. He is in custody. He will be tried as an adult.

Once again, the People.com React-o-meter is here to make us feel a little dirty inside. Eight LOLs? Nine loves? I’m actually impressed at their restraint.

Screen Shot 2013-01-24 at 11.09.26 PM

2. Whitney Houston’s Mom Cissy: “I’m Angry She Died Alone”

Whitney Houston died last year of an overdose after many years battling addiction in a very public way and denying it. Her mother Cissy has written a book about how bummed she was that her daughter was an addict and that her daughter died. It’s interesting, after she died I heard a lot of people discuss her drug problem as some sort of medical nuisance, like psoriasis, that couldn’t be helped. At her funeral many people talked about how you have to love the person with the psoriasis, not just the person before they got the psoriasis, and etc and so on. It feels like no one held Whitney, or her disease, accountable. Anyway, Whitney’s mom’s book is at Amazon.com.

3. New Kids on the Block Hit the Road with 98 Degrees and Boyz II Men

Dudes in your 30s, if you’re looking to get laid, look no further than the bar closest to any of these concerts. Or shit, just the parking lots of these concerts. I saw New Kids on the Block when they were on tour with Tiffany- they were supposed to open for Tiffany, but by the time I saw them, Tiffany was opening for them. And they were spectacular. True story. But here’s what’s interesting to me: New Kids on the Block started in 1984, Boyz II Men started in 1988, and 98 Degrees in 1996. That’s a huge gap in shrieking female fan ages. Who will the ladies come out for? My guess is that the New Kids and Boyz II Men fans will have more disposable income, since they’re a bit older, and 98 Degrees fans are still trying to find the career that’s best for them and therefore don’t have the money to spend on such frivolities as ironic concerts.

Donnie Wahlburg released this statement: “Ladies, we’re coming for you. This is going to be the craziest year yet-the single, the album, the tour with 98 Degrees and Boyz II Men … We can’t wait to give fans ‘The Package!’”

So there’s that.

Side note:

The-Package-Tour-NKOTB-Boyz-II-Men-98-Degrees

WHERE THE FUCK IS THE FOURTH BOYZ II MEN GUY?!?

4. Nicki Minaj Storms Off the Idol Set in Charlotte, NC

American Idol has been on for many seasons, and it’s apparently losing some of its luster. They keep changing up judges every season to help it, but it’s not working so much. This season, they added Keith Urban (aka Mr Nicole Kidman), Mariah Carey, and Nicki Minaj, and the powers that be are desperately trying to pump up a supposed feud between Mariah and Minaj as a reason why you “just gotta watch”. During auditions today, Minaj was trying to defend an auditioner and Mariah said something about how they’re supposed to critique them and not just talk about their outfits, and this caused Minaj to storm offstage and leave the production for a bit.

All this, and yet, American Idol ratings are still down 19% from last season. This show needs a little Jerry Springer. If Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj got into a hair-pulling fight with Keith Urban, enough to yank off all three of their wigs, then I’d watch.

5. Shakira’s Newborn Son Shows Off His Kicks

Shakira pushed a baby out of those truth-telling hips, and people love it when celebrities have babies. They took a picture of the baby wearing custom-made Nikes with his name on them, because they are rich and people love it when rich people do crazy things for their babies.

babyfeet

That baby has some huge feet, or else Nike struggled to make shoes appropriately sized for a two day old.

Now you are all caught up to speed. Go enjoy your day.

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2 Comments

  1. dougsan said,

    Ive just been patting my pockets frantically, looking for my phone. That I couldn’t find it was down to the fact it is in my hand. I am reading it. Literally staring at it. Is that worrying? Maybe I’m now engaged so deeply in my technology that I will lose grip on real life. Like a budget version of lawnmower man, only with an iPhone?

    Sorry. That has nothing to do with your post, I’m now just using this as a free unilateral therapy session. Please ignore me.

  2. dougsan said,

    Post awesome of course, as always. In fact I’m blaming this on your immersive writing.

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