Hi everyone, it’s time for another installment of Celebrity Gossip Translator, where I go through the top five most shared stories at People.com and attempt to explain them to the intellectual, too-busy-working-on-projects masses out there. Celebrity gossip is for everyone!
Let’s do this!
1. Fall Out Boy Are Getting Back Together After a Three Year Break
Fall Out Boy, aka The Pete Wentz Band, is a band that was popular in the early 2000s, when pop punk ruled the Earth. Here’s something that’ll blow your mind- did you know that Pete Wentz is not the lead singer? He’s the bassist! He was just the most attractive member, so he’s all anyone talks about. Weird, huh?
The band released a press release that said “When we were kids the only thing that got us through most days was music. It’s why we started Fall Out Boy in the first place. This isn’t a reunion because we never broke up. We needed to plug back in and make some music that matters to us. The future of Fall Out Boy starts now. Save Rock And Roll ….”
So they seem to be pretty level-headed about all this.
2. How Richard III Died and Ended Up Under a Parking Lot
It’s history lesson time, People.com style! Richard III was a major asshole. He totally stole the crown from his two nephews and then had them killed! He was deformed! He only wanted power and would stop at nothing to get it! He was like the villains in most reality shows. He died in the Battle of Bosworth Field in 1485, and some bored guys in Leicester started wondering where his body was. They figured it out and excavated a parking lot in Leicester, and when they found a skeleton there, matched it to a direct descendant of Richard III with DNA testing. So now we know where that guy has been for five centuries.
My favorite part? The highly intellectual arguments about ancestry and DNA testing in the comments.
3. Five Most Paw-dorable Moments from the Puppy Bowl
Never doubt the power of cuteness. For nine years now, Animal Planet has been ingeniously counter-programming the Super Bowl with a tiny football stadium packed with puppies. People ironically watch it, people genuinely watch it, and everyone curses themselves for not coming up with such a great idea. Even though this was a filmed event, People decides to distill it down to the basics and just give us five pictures of puppies. I’ll admit, the one with all the puppies piling on the referee is adorable, but overall, this was a pointless post for people that aren’t aware of sites like cuteoverload.com. Luckily, this post did make eight people sad or angry.
4. Beyonce Embraces Jay-Z After Her Super Bowl Halftime Performance
If we’re reviewing what we’ve learned so far this week, People people love pop punk, history, puppies, and celebrity marriages. This seems about right. Jay-Z and Beyonce are married and people (including myself) love that even though they are both terribly famous, they turn up to support each other for big events. It feels nice to see a couple that manages to both be successful and still appreciate each other at the same time. People are all aflutter at the pic of the two of them hugging, but I kinda prefer this picture, when both their faces are filled with pure absolute joy.
5. Beyonce’s Halftime Show Blows Up Twitter
I just got home from San Francisco as the Super Bowl was starting, so I didn’t make it to the party I go to every year, where I get into the game and yell and scream at the commercials like everyone else. Instead I sat, alone, and surfed the Internet until I saw the halftime was starting, and holy shit, Beyonce did not disappoint. She has the X Factor that reality shows try desperately to manufacture- she gives it and gives it with that body and those eyes, and also her voice is amazing. This story is about how celebrities and normal people Tweeted about Beyonce a lot. Because that’s what we’ve come to- news stories that collect Tweets that aren’t even funny or interesting, just descriptive.
The one thing I learned from this post is that Michelle Obama has a Twitter account, @FLOTUS, and she signs her Tweets “-mo”.