It’s time for a long overdue edition of Celebrity Gossip Translator, where I go through the most read stories from People.com and explain them to those of you too busy listening to podcasts and creating art to understand what’s happening in pop culture land. You’re welcome.
Coming in hot at #5 is the very important story “Kim Kardashian Catches Up on Sleep“. Kim had a baby 13 days ago, DID YOU GUYS KNOW THAT?!?! THE BABY IS A REAL THING THAT TWO VERY SELF-INVOLVED PEOPLE CREATED, and this is a picture that her sister took of her sleeping on a couch in full makeup. Being a mom is hard. I am convinced that this picture is one of the most emailed merely because it has a picture of a cute boxer puppy in it. (See, don’t you want to click on it now?)
The #4 most read story at People.com is about Paula Deen. I haven’t really said anything about the whole Paula Deen thing, and I’m not going to start now, other than
1) She is such a melodramatic Southern belle, and
2) Regardless of how racist she is, lay off the fat jokes. That’s almost as bad as her only calling a black man an n-word because she was very very upset with him. It’s not okay to resort to the easiest way to insult someone just because you’re angry. Get creative.
ANYWAY, the story is Paula Deen celebrates son Jamie’s birthday. And that’s important to read about, because we are all biting our nails wondering what this woman is going to do now that she is hated/revered for being “un-PC”/poor. The story here is that she tweeted happy birthday to her son.
Also, this picture:
We’re at #3 now, and finally we’re getting to some real news. Would you like to hear the biggest reason to marry George Lucas? I will tell you. At the wedding celebration of George Lucas and his new bride, Mellody Hobson, PRINCE did a set. Motherfucking Prince. Take a lesson, everyone. They seem like a cute couple and I’m very happy for him, and I hope marriage makes him better at making decisions about Star Wars.
#2 of the most read stories at People.com is a recipe for cookies from the lady who was on that cooking show and is now a morning talk show host. They do look delicious. This story needs no explanation.
The most read story today was this horror show about a Cirque Du Soleil performer who fell 50 feet to her death during a show last night in Vegas. Let’s face it, most of us go to shows like this not only for the amazing feats of strength, but for the horrifying possibility that someone might get hurt. Such is the magic of live performance- there’s always an element of surprise. Someone may shit their pants, cry, get stung by a bee, blow your mind, etc and so on. Last night was the most extreme version of this when Sarah Guyard fell to her death.
Sadly, what does this mean for Kim Kardashian and Paula Deen? That in order to be truly popular, they must be a horrifying circus accident, or cookies.
In defense of Kanye’s vanity- I really enjoyed reading this piece about how a black man’s ego is a good thing in pop culture.
This is my Tumblr, which mainly focuses on body image and self-esteem issues. But also some weird sex stories.
90s supermodels, then and now. I love this stuff.
Fascinating article about how Aziz Ansari uses analytics to test jokes. The man is an amazing businessman.
Virgina is for college graduates.
Holy god I love the song Royals by Lorde.
One of these dudes was already my family, but now I’ve got a few more. I can’t wait to make TV with them.
Another day, another awesome Patton Oswalt essay about comedy and worldviews and heckling and everything else.
This is supercool- this photographer took photos of the fans of several famous musicians. The Cure fans are my favorites.
This actually made me rethink my utter dismissal of Kim Kardashian a bit. But not too much. I’ve never seen her show, but it’s not her sexuality I have problems with- it’s her constant media-fucking.
New Indoor Kids episode up, and it’s our E3 audio diary! Come with us as we trade sweat with thousands of other nerds walking the floor!
WATERMELON OREOS MOTHERFUCKER!
Victorians used to be real into breastfeeding.
If you live in LA, try and spread these images of four men who beat up a transgendered woman at Hollywood and Vine.
This is Ween making an appearance in the 1994 movie “It’s Pat”.
Edible chocolate buttholes! Just what you always wanted! (the pics are amazing)
Three comic strips about being a female game journalist.
The Indoor Kids got some love from the AV Club today!
Just in time for summer: drowning doesn’t look like drowning.
New Indoor Kids episode up, and it’s our 100th! Celebrate with Steve Agee!
I’ve always loved Nathan Barnatt’s dance videos, and Kumail and I were happy to make an appearance in the newest one (Jonah too!)
It’s been a while since I’ve done a “Let’s Check in on Hateful Comments”, where I go through posts (some that I’ve written, some that others have written) and highlight the best of the worst humans.
Today, it’s a post I wrote at TV.com about who should be the next Doctor Who, on the heels of the news that Matt Smith is leaving at the end of the year. I made a lot of suggestions, including some non-white and non-male ones, and at the time of this writing, the post has 225 comments. Most of them are great, spirited debate, but here’s a guy who’s an impressive racist.
And if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go fuck off with my liberal bullshit.
Jockey is introducing 55 new bra sizes
I was quoted in the Denver Post about the rise of nerd culture! Get into it!
This guy wrote about how he wanted to stop having sexual thoughts about women on the street. This lady set him straight that it’s actually a bit more demeaning to go from seeing women only as sexual objects to not seeing them at all. Great reads, both of them.
If you like _____, then you’ll like _____: a thing I wrote for Elizabeth Banks about video games you may like based on stuff you already like!
Marcia Marcia Marcia! The Jan Brady Syndrome captured in photo form.
Kumail and I appear on the Double Date podcast with Shane Mauss and April Macie!