Hi everyone! I haven’t had much time or energy to write stuff for Gynomite lately- I’ve been writing for other sites, I’ve been writing two bigger projects (which involves sending them out to people, getting notes, and changing everything), and last week was the pilot taping of The Meltdown: The TV Show. All of these things have kept me busy.
I am constantly jotting down little phrases that are ostensibly things I’d like to write about, so I thought I’d go through a few of those that, although I love the ideas, don’t really have the legs to become their own thing.
Apparently the guy from Smash Mouth has teamed up with Sammy Hagar and Guy Fieri to write a “rock n’roll cookbook” called Smash Mouth: Recipes From The Road: A Rock n’ Roll Cookbook. I have decided that I will, upon its release, dedicate this blog to just cooking every single recipe in that cookbook while watching Smash Mouth and Van Halen videos. Hopefully someone will buy the rights.
Bonus: the hilariously scathing review of Guy Fieri’s new restaurant in Times Square.
If you need me, I’ll be camped out at my grocery store waiting for this item as if it was Twilight/Hunger Games movie tickets.
When I was younger, I used to look forward to Easter with the same intensity as Halloween or Valentine’s Day, because I like any candy that’s only available at certain times of year. Plus once I got some pastel pink tennis shoes from the Easter Bunny, and they were rad. Plus also, a big huge bunny comes to your house? Who’s not on board? But my love for Easter mainly stems from my unholy adoration of Cadbury Creme Eggs.
“Oh I’ll just watch you eat, and have something without carbs when I get home.”
“I don’t want to come out tonight- I’ll just eat and drink a bunch if I do.”
These are two quotes I’ve heard from friends recently- male friends, at that. And thus, they became two people I didn’t get to hang out with because they were dieting like motherfuckers. We’ve gotta figure this out, because dieting should never get in the way of your social life.
I’ve been there too- when you’re in a zone of being “good”, you just want to hold your breath, avoid temptation, and enjoy that weird squelchy feeling of satisfaction you get when you have gotten under XX points on Weight Watchers/scanned all your barcodes into Losing It/avoided carbs all day. Being out in public, you risk things that are bad for you creeping into your mouth, and sometimes it’s easier just to stay home and hide.
I get it, the struggle to not be a slothy fatass your whole life is ongoing, and it finds us all. Some of us start dieting when we’re 12, some of us start when we’re 30 and realize we can’t eat whole pizzas anymore. But we’re all essentially in the same boat, and I want it to be a social boat. So here are a few tips for those of you/us who are trying to keep our girlish figures while still having a lovely social life.
- Don’t drink alcohol every night. I hang out with comedians exclusively, and they are lucky/unlucky enough to have their jobs happen in bars. Try hanging out one night without drinking, and see if you still get anything out of it. If you do, maybe decide that one social night a week, you won’t drink, just because. If you can’t hang out without drinking, you’ve got bigger fish to fry than your waistline.
- Order healthy food, and a lot of it. Eat the shit out of salad, chicken skewers, the carrots that come with chicken wings- anything you can to keep you from reaching for the actual chicken wings.
- Convince a friend to order something unhealthy that you really want, then eat a very small amount of that item. It’s taken me years, but I’ve gotten to the point that I can handle eating 3 french fries, which I did last night, off of Kyle’s plate. I felt satisfied, both with the food and my restraint.
- Give yourself permission, one meal a week, to eat whatever the fuck you want. It’s incredibly necessary for any diet, and I think it’s required in a lot of carb-free diets.
- Come up with social things to do that don’t revolve around food and alcohol. Sure, hiking blah blah we’re in LA, but also, there’s movies, going window shopping at cheesy malls, getting coffee, going to dog parks, and millions of other things to do.
- Make sure your life is full. Full enough so that you have time to preplan your meals, but not so full that you have time to obsess over your diet.
Imagine the grossest new cooking product that could be invented, perhaps by creepy molester gnomes that smell like feet and have yellow corn teeth.
Now make it the consistency of fudge, but white, like congealed gravy. And add speckles.
You’ve got Philly’s Cooking Creme!
From the site:
The rich taste and versatility of Original Philly, but easier to melt and spoon. Use it by itself to add a fresh, creamy twist to tried-and-true recipes, or as a base for other flavors and seasonings.
Because the most difficult thing about cream cheese was its inability to be easily spooned into hot chicken.
You can get Cooking Creme in Savory Garlic, Italian Cheese and Herb, and the scariest of all- Santa Fe!
Philly Cooking Creme- for when jizzing into sausage gravy just won’t do!
As of the end of 2010, there were 32,737 McDonald’s restaurants in the world……does that number seem low to you? It did to me- I always imagined there were over 100,000, easy. Perhaps counting fast food restaurants is not my forte.
So McDonald’s is number one, right? WRONG. After being the top dog for years, McDonald’s has now been eclipsed by the Eatery of Fresh, Subway, with 33,749 restaurants worldwide.
They are both put to shame by Yum! Brands, who owns Taco Bell, KFC, and Pizza Hut, and is responsible for the horrid combo restaurants you see everywhere- all their permutations total up to 38,000 restaurants worldwide
I have nothing to contribute about any of this, I just thought it was fun to know that Subway beat McDonald’s.
Vivek: My coworker found an M&M that looks like Kenny from South Park.
Vivek: Coming at you!
I don’t want to toot my own horn, but a few months ago I started this Tumblr, and believe you me, it has not been successful at all! Still, I am consistently delighted every time I get the slow trickle of a submission.
The idea behind Gross Food I Ate When I Was a Kid is for people to confess the disgusting things they used to put together for meals when they were younger. You know, when only deli meats, condiments, and the microwave were in your food preparation arsenal. Here are some of my favorite submissions I’ve gotten so far.
Can you top these? Go submit your own now!
Apparently, around Thanksgiving they really live up to their name.