Celebrity Gossip Translator.
I frequently find myself in bars explaining celebrity gossip to friends of mine who are “too busy” masturbating to Twitter to know anything about pop culture. It’s a great arrangement, because it allows my friends to find out about celebrity gossip while maintaining that they don’t care about celebrity gossip, and it allows me to talk about stuff that I enjoy. So I thought I’d do that here.
First, a caveat: what I won’t do is justify giving a shit about celebrity gossip. It’s a fucking hobby, it’s not the most important thing to me, but part of the reason I became a therapist is because I like juicy interpersonal relations, and frankly, my friends aren’t really bringing much to the table in that regard. I wouldn’t want them to- friends who are constantly having drama are exhausting to be around. So please don’t come at me with “Why do you care what _____ is doing?!” comments, because why do you care what I care about? Shut up.
Now that we’ve gotten all that business out of the way, I thought I’d go through the most popular articles at people.com and explain them in layman’s terms to you fine people with better things to do.
The hottening.
I just saw a photo of Sharlto Copley, the dude who was a friend of Neill Blomkamp, the dude whose life was changed when he was cast as the lead in Neill’s breakout movie, District 9.
This is what Sharlto looked like in 2009, discussing District 9 at Comic-Con.
This is what he looks like now.
How to make a pop star.
I wrote this for another website but they ended up not using it, so here it is, for Gynomite!
I think a lot about pop culture a lot, and more specifically, how we consume it. There are tons of actors/personalities/musicians out there, so why do some of them stay “oh, what’s her face from that show” while others are vaulted into the stratosphere of fame? What relationship do we have with these superstars, and why can we never get enough? Why is Nicki Minaj more famous than Ashanti? Why Taylor Swift and not the lady that did the “Where Have All the Cowboys Gone?” song? These are the things that fascinate me, because often it has very little to do with the product they’re putting out, and more with the product that is them- their personal lives, their style, where they hang out- and sometimes it’s little more than that. Gone are the days when you would release a song and sit back to see what happens- now our musicians are packages to be opened and consumed. Not to gank from the TV show, but what is that X factor that makes a female musician go from female musician to demigoddess? If one wanted to become a pop star, what could one do to increase one’s chances?
Let’s find out.
I went through a long list of pop stars from the 80s to current day to try and isolate the qualities that separate them from the mere mortal musicians around them. So let’s assume that beyond the standard attractiveness, catchy songs, and lucrative record deals, here are a few of the ingredients you may need in order to be a famous pop star. Use this for your own edification, or perhaps join me in creating a Frankenstein’s monster of fame and signature perfumes.
White men are not having a good hair and face day.
Exhibit One: John Travolta on the cover of his new Christmas album with Olivia Newton John.
Exhibit Two:
Scott Stapp of Creed looking like a sad puppy dog cartoon on Fox News. FYI, he won’t be voting for Barack Obama this November. (Somewhere, Obama is wiping his brow and saying “Wheeeeeew!”)
Watch the sad puppy dog in action here, and remember kids: alcohol is a helluva drug.
Who’s who?
Damien Echols and Johnny Depp at a recent book signing- which one is which?
Bonus info:
1) They are good friends and have matching tattoos
2) I am reading Damien Echols’ book, Life After Death, and it is fantastic. Get it!
Answer:
Trick question! They’re both Johnny Depp! (JK, Johnny’s on the left)
Get em, Gaga.
After weeks of hearing people losing their minds because she’s gained maybe 6 lbs, Gaga decided to strike back, and I just gained a bit of respect for her.
As I said a few days ago, we freak out over our pop stars getting fat, but Gaga, the woman who has made her body a blank canvas on which she can hang raw meat, wire clothing, extra appendages and more- it’s interesting that the one avant garde thing we cannot accept hanging on her frame is human fat. She’s objectified her appearance past the point of human comprehension, so we get confused when something human happens to her.
See more pics here.
What’s Wrong With You?
I wrote this for a website but they weren’t able to use it, so here it is!
I was a therapist for seven years, and I took it very very seriously. I am not a therapist anymore, so it’s time to have some fun with the skills I currently only use when silently and unethically diagnosing strangers at parties. So I’ve dug through four years of interviews, appearances, and more so that we can figure out, using her public interactions only…
Kristen Stewart, what’s wrong with you?
Catwoman knows how to pose.
I usually give comic books a bit of a pass for being way too sexy, but this looks like they cut Catwoman in half and just put the two halves next to each other.
