Did you want to see Hannibal’s Mads Mikkelsen dancing in an early 90s variety show?

July 8, 2013 at 8:18 pm (television)

I’ll answer that for you- yes, yes you did.

(He’s the guy in the red handkerchief)

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Let’s Check in on Hateful Comments!

June 4, 2013 at 8:49 am (television)

It’s been a while since I’ve done a “Let’s Check in on Hateful Comments”, where I go through posts (some that I’ve written, some that others have written) and highlight the best of the worst humans.

Today, it’s a post I wrote at TV.com about who should be the next Doctor Who, on the heels of the news that Matt Smith is leaving at the end of the year. I made a lot of suggestions, including some non-white and non-male ones, and at the time of this writing, the post has 225 comments. Most of them are great, spirited debate, but here’s a guy who’s an impressive racist.

Screen Shot 2013-06-04 at 10.08.19 AM


And if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go fuck off with my liberal bullshit.

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Emmy thoughts.

September 23, 2012 at 6:30 pm (television, Uncategorized)

Instead of livetweeting the Emmys, I’m liveblogging and not publishing it until the end of the show, because I don’t do things on your schedule, buster. Watch as I grow increasingly bored with the festivities and my observations decrease.

Is Jimmy Fallon on drugs? On the pre-show red carpet, he was sweating, making bad Amanda Bynes jokes, and then jumping in the air for press photos. It’s one thing to see the cute in-the-air pic later, another entirely to see Fallon going “1-2-3-JUMP” to cue the photographers.

Nice touch with Amy Pohler wearing a huge plastic ring on her wedding finger as a fuck you to anyone attempting to ask her about her recent separation.

I like how Modern Family’s Manny is giving a subdued, nuanced performance in his sketches (read: Audi commercials) about going to the Emmys with his mom. Lord, how long are these things?

Famous dudes’ non-famous girlfriends are always starting campaigns and foundations.

George RR Martin sighting behind the host of America’s Funniest Home Videos! Best dressed!

Jim Parsons and Zooey Deschanel would make a tremendously sexy couple.

I’m finally sold on Lena Dunham’s new hair.

Nice to see Community represented somewhere at the Emmys… #comedymontage

Is it too early to wish that Louie CK and Amy Poehler would fall in love? Is it too late to wish they had done a bit that didn’t require that Louie seem so awkward onstage?

Listen, I’m not saying they stole it from me, but I had an idea months ago to reimagine Girls as a CBS sitcom. The Breaking Bad Andy Griffith show was pretty great though.

Lily from Modern Family as a hateful, homophobic monster? Fairly genius.

At some point, we need to stop giving awards to Modern Family.

I’d like to see, once, instead of a fat woman being sexually precocious for laughs (I’m looking at you Melissa McCarthy), a skinny, traditionally pretty woman being sexually precocious for laughs. I think it’d really fuck people up.

Can Julia-Louis Dreyfus do anything wrong, ever? I’m soooooo glad she won, I love her dress, and I want her to be my friend forever. Also, amazing bit with Poehler.

Aaron Paul cries better than anyone else on the planet.

“Hold my nunchucks” -Tracy Morgan

“I don’t really believe in judging art, but I thought I’d show up anyway…” -the guy from Homeland who won best actor

Louie salutes comedy audiences, and I clap along in my hotel room.

Do you get the impression that Claire Danes might be insufferable? She says a lot of words, very eloquently, but I have no idea what she’s saying.

Tom Berenger: shiny, puffy, not funny.

I got bored and went and got sushi. Where is Idris Elba?

Great, Modern Family won again. How relevant.

And after the jump, everyone had deep side part tight updo hair tonight, and I don’t know why.

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In Defense of Honey Boo Boo

September 8, 2012 at 10:00 am (television)

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is a show on TLC that is a spinoff from Toddlers & Tiaras. It is about a pudgy, very Southern little girl who can work a camera like nobody’s business, and it focuses on her and her self-described “redneck” family in rural Georgia.

Somehow, it has also become shorthand for what’s wrong with America.

Blogs and Twitter are filled with people decrying the show as the worst of us, as an abomination, as disgusting to look at, etc and so on. It’s the new TV scapegoat, and my guess is that 70% of people who make fun of it have never seen it.

I’ve seen it, maybe six episodes or so, and I gotta say, I’m kinda bummed out by how everyone has piled on the hatred for this family and this show.

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Russell Brand as a child.

July 12, 2012 at 8:35 am (pop culture, television)

Just add some metal jewelry and beard stubble, and you’ve got yourself a star! (From Toddlers & Tiaras, which sucked me into a 3 hour black hole yesterday while I was trying to work.)

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I’m pretending that Matthew Perry and Lizzy Caplan dating is really just a bizarre plot twist and genius piece of casting for the 5th season of Party Down, after Casey has gotten a part on a popular sitcom and is trying to make Henry jealous.

July 11, 2012 at 8:08 am (television)

For real!

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July 2, 2012 at 11:11 am (television)

If you don’t watch the new version of Dallas, you are missing out on four of the best eyebrows in the business.

Jesse Metcalfe, he of the overplucked house.

And Larry Hagman, he of the underplucked house.

Call me, Dallas. I’ve got plotlines for days! (Yes, they all revolve around eyebrows.)

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Things to do on a Sunday night now that lots of TV shows are ending.

June 10, 2012 at 2:30 pm (television)

Last Sunday saw the finale of Game of Thrones, and this Sunday, aka tonight, we’ll see the season finales of Veep and Mad Men. Then we’ll only have Girls left, and this makes us sad. For the past few weeks, we’ve been going home early, staying in, and watching the shit out of some of the best television ever made, all on one night. (I used to do this in college with The Simpsons too.) Here are some fun things you can do with your Sunday nights now that they’re free.

  • call your parents
  • do an at-home mani/pedi
  • write a treatise on whatevs
  • groom your genital area
  • read the Game of Thrones book series
  • use a razor blade to slice the buttons off of your remote, so that the buttons are flush with the remote itself, and therefore unusable
  • sweat to the Oldies
  • lay on the floor and pretend that your ceiling is your floor, and how weird is that?

Do you have any suggestions? TELL ME!

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An Ode to Friends

May 7, 2012 at 10:20 am (television)

I wrote this for a site, but they never ran it, so here you go! 

I hated the show Friends. I was a freshman in high school when it premiered, and it filled me with the twin emotions of disdain for something trying so hard to be cool, and jealousy for how lackadaisical it made adulthood look. Was that how it would be? Would I be able to spend all my time in coffee shops with my friends, making witty comments that no one laughs at? (Seriously, why didn’t anyone on that show laugh when someone said something funny?) Would I have a lofty, easily pictureable job like “archaeologist” or “chef”? It just seemed to be so calculated and so… spoonfed to middle class America that I bashed it whenever possible.

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December 5, 2011 at 10:49 am (television)

I’m going to let you fellow TV snobs in on a little secret: Psych is an amazing show.

This is not the most popular opinion I’ve ever had, and I’m aware of the fact that I will not be convincing a lot of people, but I feel the need to inform you that while you were sleeping, Psych has become one of the cleverest shows on television.

It’s basically the story of a guy who was raised to be hyper hyper observant, and he uses his powers to pretend to be psychic. He and his best friend have a psychic detective agency (called Psych) and assist the Santa Barbera police department in crimes.

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