And now, a breakdown of Miley Cyrus’ newest music video.

October 12, 2010 at 10:52 am (music) (, )

Miley Cyrus just released a video for her song “Who Owns My Heart”.  This video is incredibly sexually aggressive, in that she is very aggressively trying to explain to us that she is, at 17, a very sexual being.  Message received, Hannah Montana.

I used to feel sorry for Miley and her misguided attempts to be a grownup, her equating looking trashy with something adult people do in their spare time.  With this video though, she is Hayden Panettierreing it up so hardcore that I crossed the line from pity to disdain.  Her sexuality, created and masterfully edited in this video, is a glossy thing that is an amalgamation of about 1500 soft core porn movies and Beyonce videos.  There’s nothing real about it, nothing other than good camera angles and posturing, and at 17, there shouldn’t be anything real about it.  It’ s ok for your face to have not caught up with your gorgeous gams yet, Miley.  It’s ok to be a kid.  You’re going to spend most of your life being a grownup, and you’ll miss the days that you didn’t have to paint on eyeliner with a trowel, but you painted it on anyway because you were in such a hurry to be taken seriously.

And as I said to Hayden two years ago,

I really hope that you don’t think that this is coming out of a place of jealousy somehow.  I appreciate beauty when I see it, and as a 29 year old woman, I now just feel weirdly maternal when I see barely legal girls trying too hard to be fuckable.  I just want to spit-clean their faces and get them in comfy pjs so we can paint our nails together.   Come on Hayden, I know you’ve got yoga pants somewhere!  I’ll even paint your nails first!

The offer stands for you too Miley.  But, here’s the thing: I’m still going to make fun of your video.  Hardcore.  Because you have made a hardcore grownup video.  Jump and let’s have a looksee.

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For once, I’m rooting for the attorneys.

June 15, 2010 at 12:07 pm (pop culture) (, , )

I don’t want to brag, but I’ve been boycotting Perez Hilton’s site since he called one of the Black Eyed Peas a faggot and then tried to say that it was the most hurtful word he could think of.  I love celeb gossip, but I just couldn’t keep giving this megalomaniac miserable rejected drama club kid my valuable clicks.  So I don’t.  I am a happier person now.

All this money and I'm still hideous and unlikeable!

Apparently on Sunday Perez Tweeted a pic of Miley Cyrus getting out of a car and flashing her ladybits.  Now, Miley is certainly playing the hack “Who me, sexy?  I’m just a little girl having fun!” card that Britney played well before her, and so Hannah Montana most likely took off her panties and got out of a car like a dinosaur in order to garner some press, but she’s a dumb 17 year old.  Perez is a dumb “adult” who should have known better.

There’s a ton of scorn being heaped upon him now, with people calling on him to be arrested for distributing child porn.  Salon interviewed a lawyer who specializes in child porn, and he said

All it will take is an enterprising attorney interested in making an example out of him; he could be prosecuted on the state or federal level — or both — with a conviction potentially resulting in a 15-year sentence and lifetime registration as a sex offender. Douglas says that “if he’s not prosecuted, there is one reason why: his name is Perez Hilton.

C’mon lawyers, go get em!

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Miley, you sexbird.

May 5, 2010 at 5:03 am (music, Uncategorized) (, , )

Please go watch the new Miley Cyrus video, Can’t Be Tamed, in which Miley pulls her “Oops I Did It Again” moment by pretending to be a rare sexbird that can act like a slut all she wants.  Because you know, she’s a grown up now, and that is what grownups do.

Go here and watch the video, as my blog wisely has refused to embed it for me.

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“Prettiness is a marketing construct”

April 7, 2010 at 8:20 am (movies, pop culture) (, , )

Way back in 2008, I wrote a post about what makes pop stars… pop stars.  Often they’re not more attractive or talented than other people, but I reasoned that they have a certain malleability, a certain blank slate personality that producers and stylists can heap whatever trend on.

I might be right, but I’m not nearly as right as Dustin Rowles is.  Over at Pajiba, he gave his theory of why Miley Cyrus is popular.

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Hope for the future.

March 21, 2010 at 8:32 pm (cuteness, music) (, , )

From The Daily What.

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Miley on the pole.

August 10, 2009 at 8:43 am (pop culture) (, )

God help us all.

mileypole2

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Yes, Dear Diary, I’ve cut off Heather Chandler’s head and Heather Duke’s head has sprouted in its place like some mythological thing my eighth grade boyfriend would know about.

August 6, 2009 at 7:53 am (pop culture) (, )

This is Miley Cyrus’ 9 year old sister Noah Cyrus at an event last night.

How many years do we have before a “hot sister pictoral” comes out?  Enough for me to build an underground bunker?

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My palms are not tan enough. Get someone in here immediately, I have to be at the Kids Choice Awards in an hour!

March 30, 2009 at 7:17 am (pop culture) (, )

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Make it work, sex addicts (a celeb gossip mashup)

August 29, 2008 at 7:49 am (pop culture, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , )

Tim Gunn, who is every girl’s fantasy of a gay father, has been giving a lot of interviews lately to promote Project Runway. If you weren’t sure, Project Runway is a show I both watch and adore.

seriously, dont you love how stern and formal he is?

seriously, don't you love how stern and formal he is?

He’s been throwing formality to the wind lately, saying some pretty “awwwww shit!” things in publications like Us Weekly and OK! magazine.

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Truly truly truly outrageous

June 28, 2008 at 12:20 pm (pop culture) (, , , , , , )

Of the song titles listed below, which are Jem and the Holograms, and which are Miley Cyrus?

  • Girl’s Night Out
  • Rockin’ Down Through Time
  • The Other Side of Me
  • Aztec Enchantment
  • Pumpin Up the Party
  • Who is He Kissing?
  • Part of Your World
  • Everybody Wears a Mask
  • Make Some Noise
  • Glitter n’ Gold
  • True Friend

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