Gynomite’s Emotional Assignment of the Day

February 9, 2011 at 10:46 am (gynomite's emotional assignment of the day) (, )

I read this very depressing but interesting post at HuffPo Divorce yesterday by Lynn Toler, host of Divorce Court (!!). It was about how many men never see their divorces coming. Here’s a taste of why Lynn believes men are blindsided by divorce:

I call it “The False Okay.” I think a lot of women tell the very same lie for years on end. They say “okay” when they don’t mean it. They tell their husbands, “everything’s fine,” even when it’s not. “Keeping the peace” is what they call it. They are, they tell me, getting through the day. It is all about the argument they simply do not want to have.

And while this places all blame and responsibility solely on the woman for this brand of marital discord, there is some truth to what Toler is saying.

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Ask Gynomite!

December 31, 2010 at 11:04 am (ask gynomite) (, , , , , )

In her former life, Emily “Gynomite” Gordon was a couples and family therapist licensed in 2 1/2 states.  In this life, she’s a freelance fighter of your emotional woes with Ask Gynomite.  Write her at askgynomite@gmail.com- all emails stay confidential.  Today, Gynomite takes on cheating and responsibility.

I am worried about my friend. Her boyfriend of over four years, the guy she thought she would marry, broke up with her in April. Within a week or two, she had a new boyfriend. I thought, Ok, not so healthy but she needs to rebound. Around Halloween, that guy broke up with her. Within days she had another “boyfriend.” (I never meet this guy and he sounded sketchy to me, like he only asked her out b/c she said she wouldn’t have sex outside a relationship.) At some point that relationship ended and she had yet another boyfriend, which I realized because of Facebook. Now, they can’t have known each other long than a month, I would say and now she is looking for apartments with him.

I am really worried about it. I kind of let it go when I thought she was just rebounding. I saw her behavior as unhealthy but I thought, She needs validation and I can’t make that change. But moving in with a guy — really, a stranger — so soon worries me. She had said before that she wouldn’t want to live with another boyfriend because she thought it made it difficult for her and her long-term boyfriend to break up and that it may have contributed to the relationship dragging. Also, she said it took away some of the romance and she would rather wait until she was engaged next time.

I’ve been fairly supportive of her decisions till now and have checked my judgment although some of other friends have said something to her. I feel like I shouldn’t keep quiet on this, but it’s also not my life. I don’t want to alienate my friend. I don’t think my opinion will change her actions. But I don’t think it’s right to keep quiet, either, when I am legitimately concerned. What should I do?

Watching a friend make poor decisions that aren’t life threatening is truly miserable, because there is nothing you can do.  There’s nothing illegal or unsafe about making poor decisions in relationships, although god knows it should be illegal.  I feel your pain.

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Ask Gynomite!

December 12, 2010 at 10:04 am (ask gynomite) (, , )

In her former life, Emily “Gynomite” Gordon was a couples and family therapist licensed in 2 1/2 states.  In this life, she’s a freelance fighter of your emotional woes with Ask Gynomite.  Write her at askgynomite@gmail.com- all emails stay confidential.  Today, Gynomite takes on cheating and responsibility.

My boyfriend and I were together for 2 and a half years and he was my first real love and adult relationship (I met him when I was 27). I have never had what felt like such a healthy, loving, fun, and stable relationship until him.  However, early into the relationship, I snooped through his email and found out that he’d been emailing Craigslist Casual Encounters looking for sex.  When I confronted him, he basically begged me to stay with him and said that he’d never followed through on anything and it was just ‘fantasy’.  I only snooped because I was suspicious of a friendship he had with an ex, but I didn’t expect what I found!  Over the next year, I found an earring that wasn’t mine in his apartment, flirty texts and emails with other girls, and a public review he wrote online reviewing an escort he slept with several times.  Whenever I confronted him, we’d fight about it, but always decided we loved each other too much to break up. Everything I found was due to my own snooping, and he blamed my inexperience in relationships on our trust problems and made me feel like I was crazy for always being suspicious.  We are now broken up because I caught him on Craigslist again, I wanted to work it out, and he finally said he was done for good.  I’m a mess about it, I ultimately blame myself for the demise of our relationship because I was so needy and suspicious all the time. Even now I can see how destructive he was to me, but he was AMAZING at hiding all of this and looking like such a great, successful, witty, funny guy to me and everyone else!  So I guess I have two questions…1.) Why did he stay with me for so long (in what appeared to be a very loving relationship) if he was constantly cheating?  2.) Once a cheater always a cheater, or will he finally be a good boyfriend to the next girl he dates?  I hate that I put up with all of this for so long hoping he’d change and the next girl will get the boyfriend I always thought he’d be.

I have a hard time knowing where to start with this question, but let me start here: your trust problems in this relationship were not a result of your “inexperience in relationships”, but instead, in your ex-boyfriend’s near constant infidelity.  Period.

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Ask Gynomite!

December 7, 2010 at 11:06 am (ask gynomite, Uncategorized) (, , , )

In her former life, Emily “Gynomite” Gordon was a couples and family therapist licensed in 2 1/2 states.  In this life, she’s a freelance fighter of your emotional woes with Ask Gynomite.  Write her at askgynomite@gmail.com- all emails stay confidential.  Today, Gynomite takes on snooping.

I just found out that the guy I’ve been seeing has a long distance girlfriend that he is still sending pining, swoony emails and texts to.  I found this out by checking his phone while he was in the bathroom, but I checked because I was feeling suspicious- he would get a text and giggle to himself, and it just seemed flirtatious.  Anyway, I told him I have to talk to him tonight.  How exactly do I handle this?

The bigger issue here, to me, is how to deal with damning information you acquired by snooping. Traditional wisdom and romantic comedies will tell you that the cardinal rule is that you never snoop, because if you snoop, you will find out something you don’t want to know. The secondary cardinal rule to snooping is that the information you find is inadmissible evidence in the court of love. Some would argue that if the crime you find evidence of outweighs the crime of snooping, confrontation is allowed (having sex with an entire basketball team > reading someone’s open email account). Some would argue it is not.

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“Love that is dying concerns scarcity, whereas genuine love involves abundance.”

November 28, 2010 at 11:17 am (psychology, relationships) (, , )

What does it mean to say that you can’t get enough of another person?  Psychology Today decided to break it down, and rather than make love sound lame and intellectual, I thought it was kinda beautiful.

It sets up enjoying one’s lover as an experience that is intrinsically (rather than extrinsically) valuable. Painting, listening to music, playing video games- these are all things we do for the experience of doing them rather than for the end result.  Such is spending time with someone you love.  It doesn’t mean you can do nothing else while experiencing it, it doesn’t mean you only want to do that, it just means that you spend time with the person because it is its own reward.  And I love it.  Listen:

Just as we can never finish listening to music or engaging in intellectual thought, and hence we can never get enough of such activities, so we cannot exhaust all the various possibilities of being with our beloved, and hence we can never have enough of her.

Go read it!

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Ask Gynomite

November 23, 2010 at 12:27 pm (ask gynomite) (, , , )

In her former life, Emily “Gynomite” Gordon was a couples and family therapist licensed in 2 1/2 states.  In this life, she’s a freelance fighter of your emotional woes with Ask Gynomite.  Write her at askgynomite@gmail.com- all emails stay confidential.  Today, Gynomite takes on the icky stickiness of falling for a friend.

OK, so. I have (or had) a male best friend who was closer to me than any guy has ever been. We had everything in common and there was nothing we didn’t share with each other. I’ve always been pretty sure he cares for me as more than a friend; he was always telling me how attractive i was, got jealous if i talked to or about other guys, and even a couple of times said that he thought he might be in love with me. I haven’t seen him in that way until about a month or so ago, when i started wanting more than friendship. A couple of weeks ago, i spent the night at his house and we slept together. I felt closer to him than i ever had and it was an amazing night, but over the next few days everything changed. I tried to express my feelings to him, and he basically said that he didn’t want anything more than friendship with me. I slept with him again a week after the first time, and after this we grew even further apart. We only talk if i contact him now, and it’s not the same at all. Was i completely wrong about his feelings for me? How do i know if he actually does have feelings for me?

So painful.  Seriously, there is no pain like this, and I’m so sorry you’re experiencing it.  You weren’t wrong at all about his feelings for you, but you guys both might have been wrong about how much sexual tension can cloud your vision.

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Today’s Ramblings on….. High School Relationships

November 19, 2010 at 4:41 pm (relationships) (, , )

I have a young teenage cousin who just recently got her first boyfriend, and somehow it took that event to help me realize and articulate something that I’d been noticing in life and on Facebook, as we are all more and more in contact with people we knew from middle and high school.

Girls should not have long term boyfriends when they’re teenagers.

This is just my opinion of course, and when I mentioned this to my parents, who got married when my mom was 17, they were quick to point out how well it worked out for them, and this is true.  But I think they’re the exception, and I also think that was a long time ago.  These days, long term dating too early can lead to a life of feeling imprisoned by your deep and wonderful love.

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Gynomite’s Emotional Assignment of the Day

October 27, 2010 at 10:54 am (gynomite's emotional assignment of the day, relationships) (, , , )

I was writing something for another blog about relationships when I remembered this relationship tip that I learned at some point and thought to be genius.  It didn’t fit in the other piece, so here it is.

If you’re in a relationship that’s fairly established, next time you’re having an evening with your partner, stop and watch yourselves as if you’re on a TV show.

That’s it.

Don’t stop interacting with him/her, but rather just treat your interactions as you treat a job interview, where you’re incredibly aware of every nuance, every communication, and every thought.  Why?

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Ask Gynomite!

September 24, 2010 at 4:03 pm (ask gynomite) (, , , )

In her former life, Emily “Gynomite” Gordon was a couples and family therapist licensed in 2 1/2 states.  In this life, she’s a freelance fighter of your emotional woes with Ask Gynomite.  Write her at askgynomite@gmail.com- all emails stay confidential.  Today, Gynomite takes on how to best brush off an unwanted suitor.

I’ve been going on a bunch of dates with a lot of different guys lately, mostly just one or two dates and then I don’t want to continue seeing them for one reason or another.  Instead of just blowing them off I’ve started to actually tell them the reason why- things like me noticing that he’s clearly in love with his female roommate. One guy told me that he didn’t have any dating experience so I thought I would tell him so he would know for the future that that’s the impression he’s giving off. One of my friends said that I shouldn’t do that because I don’t owe them anything and it’s unsolicited feedback but I feel like someone should know the reason why I don’t want to hang out with them again and if they are doing something unintentional, they’ll know for future dates with other women. What do you think?
This is a debate I had with a lot of both men and women back when I was dating, because I tended to do things the way you do- I thought it to be a refreshing departure from the usual excuses, and I hoped that guys would return the favor if they didn’t like dating me.  I just always want to know an honest why.  But it can sting, so here are some things to keep in mind if you operate this way…
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Because you know who’s an Alpha Male? Don Draper.

September 20, 2010 at 9:53 am (pop culture, pop psychology, psychology, relationships) (, , )

Would that be so terrible?

For years now, pop culture analysts and relationship experts have been crowing about the “beta male” syndrome.  As women have been getting more successful on their own, it’s created a bit of a financial power shift in relationships- women with PhDs are with men who wait tables and are in a band, low level IT guys who do comedy at night, writers who work at Starbucks, etc.  Maybe the guys play video games.  Maybe they don’t dress in suits every day. Maybe they’re portrayed in movies like Knocked Up by Seth Rogan.

The thought has been that women can’t have both success and a successful partner at the same time, and there’s been lots of tongue clucking over that.  Women are said to be “dating down” with someone less because they’re too focused on their careers to find a “good man”.

But fuck that.

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