Seriously, I don’t know what to say about this.
A friend clued me in to The International Jurassic Park Erotic Fan-Fiction Writer’s Association this morning. It is exactly what it sounds, a gathering place for people who enjoy dinosaur porn and people who enjoy the movie Jurassic Park… equally.
The site is straight up from 1994 and plays Muzak versions of all the Jurassic Park songs on top of having moving graphics of T-Rexes choking the background. But the real magic is when you click on the Archive link and try and read some of the erotic fan fiction collected there.
I’ve decided to save you the trouble and, after the jump, repost my favorite passage. It is very NSFW, and if you’re my mom, I implore you not to jump. I didn’t write this stuff, but I do feel obligated to bring it to you.
If you’re not completely exhausted from all the Michael Jackson coverage, here are some pictures that were taken during the 2003 raid of Neverland Ranch by investigators. Now, presumably, these pictures were to be used to build a case against MJ as being a child molester.
This is making the Internet rounds, but I am compelled to repost. I wish this little girl was my creation. She is completely nutty.
I saw this commercial on The Soup and it fascinated me so much that I had to repost it. I give you The Goatee Saver, the facial hair shaper preferred by the majority of serial killers who like to play with your blood and choke themselves for fun.
The girl in the commercial knows that her demise is coming soon. You can see it in her dead eyes.
Courtesy of Josh, purveyor of all things overly weird.
Um, I wanna get something that kinda looks like the Fonz, right? And I want him to be like, standing in the middle of a thunderstorm, ok? But, like, I want the Fonz himself to be a hotdog instead of the Fonz, because how fucked up would that be? So he’s like wearing the leather jacket and you’re like ‘ok ok, I get it, it’s the Fonz, whoooooa- what?!?!’ Also he should be holding some mustard, and I want some flowers and shit around the whole thing, and I want a banner that says ‘Guilty of Being Delicious’. You got all that?
I really like that Goo Goo Dolls song from that movie about that angel that’s actually Nicholas Cage. So, I wanna get a line from that tattooed on me, probably the one about bleeding and being alive and shit. I want it around my midsection so I can go ahead and show that off. And can you do it in cursive writing, but make blood dripping out of it, like that shit from that Harry Potter movie? Hurry up, don’t bother with the grammar checking! Get to it!
Somewhere like Fucking, Austria.
Friday morning, on a highway in Palmetto Florida, thousands of pairs of shoes “inexplicably materialized” at 7:42 AM.
Well, if you’re friends with us, we have a few suggestions for you. It seems that some of our friends don’t understand that we love our baby Bagel very very much and text us things like:
I miss you guys too. LA is nice. I don’t miss Bagel because if she died we’d buy a new one. I do love her though.
Cat lovers, take a seat. An adorable kitten’s face decorates your toilet lid; viewed from above, the matching rug completes the cat’s body to hilarious effect. Soft acrylic synthetic fabric. Hand wash. Imported.
And also one of these:
And now, a letter to Lois Lane from a fan, found in a 1966 issue of the comic “Superman’s Girlfriend Lois Lane”
“RAT is the only word for Lois Lane. And all the stories in LL No. 59 exposed her for what she is, a ruthless, scheming female. Any girl who resorts to the kind of mean, underhanded tricks that Lois uses deserves to be left in the Phantom Zone. Of course, ‘Lois Lane’s Super-Perfect Crime’ was just a hallucination, but it wasn’t too much out of character. And the way she schemed to marry Jor-El and Bruce Wayne clearly points up the kind of stuff Lois is made of. All I can say is, thank goodness Batman didn’t get hooked by her- and I hope Superman never marries her!”
Your Local Paranoid Schizophrenic
This is one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a while, so I thought I’d repost it- I saw it at Neatorama, but it’s originally from Urlesque, one of the best-named blogs ever. After the jump, witness the email exchange between Jane Gilles, automaton customer service representative, and David Thorne, who wants to pay his overdue bill with a picture of a spider.